Cobwebs

Clear the cobwebs to keep a record
25 unemployed by Tuesday
Library assistant turned archives assistant turned suicidal cripple

What happened is what people want to know first but to say is one thing but hear is another
Doctor hear hallucinations/broken brain
Spiritualist hear inner child
Partner hears own insecurities
Mother hears devil
I hear noise noise noise
Words hard
Explanation harder

Before
Diagnosed with depression in America 2011 probably
First drug Zoloft
Shit. Literal shit. Body punished with diarrhoea and vomiting for first two weeks
Longer because always forgot to take meds
Withdrawal
Repeat

In London, first mitrazipine then citalopram then escitalopram and venlafaxine
Doctor S.
Go back.
Dr. S at Priory Hosptial
At Priory Hospital on recommendation of insurance company
On insurance at recommendation of HR
HR in charge because off sick work on suicide watch since August or October.
Back again

Dr S. Go for therapy. Leave with prescription 225mg venlafaxine bumped up over five days
Recommendation 75, increase every week.
"Slow down if necessary"
Zombie nods

Weeks later
Dr. S again
Zombie: "side effects too much too fast"
Dr. S: Venlafaxine XL. Less side effects. Probably.

Muscles weaken
Twitch with effort
Sore with overuse
Hyper stretching cross hyper tension
Pain pain pain
Prefer death. Surrounded by expectation.
Follow comfort

Now
Dramatic maybe. Tired definitely.
Universe or schizophrenia or devil or inner child or (?):
Something (?) toying with me
Mocking me
Too tired to fight
If wants me dead, kill me
If wants me play, we both wait

Silence on Saturday
Leave angry
Arrive sad
Leave to escape
Arrive to escape
Nothing happened
Then everything happened

Pile of cigarette ash
All fears and anxieties starting from filter burning to tip
Layers till falls off
1. Sleep alone. D off to some blonde who isn't broken
2. Strangers. Fake smiles. Names to forget
3. No room.
4. Stairs
5. Forgot meds
6. Show deleted
7. Stairs
8. Dropped cactus
9. Ex girlfriend. New girlfriend. Lives in room where used to feel safe. Blonde. Bright. Has a bunny. Cunt.
10. Sex noises
Don't panic. Minor things. No big deal. Safe here.
11. People arrive
12. No room to escape.
13. Sheets, blonde hairs.
14. Mouse.
15. Interact with people. Move rooms
Don't panic. Minor things. No big deal. Safe here.
16. Set up room. Cold. Smell. Blonde hairs.
17. Mouse. Fuck.
18. Escape. Uber. Fuck.
19. Stairs. Fuck.
20. Uber drives by. Hobble to meet. Ache ache ache. Fuck.
Don't panic. Minor things. No big deal. Safe here.
21. Chatty driver. Fuck
22. Turns creepy. Fuck.
Almost back. Almost there. Don't panic. Minor things.
23. Driver pulls over.
Panic
24. Trip cancelled
Panic
25. No wifi
Panic
26. Wifi at pub. White men stare and smoke. Stand close by for signal.
Stop stop stop please stop no more
27. New uber panic driver angry crying in back seat heading wrong way panic heading to Hertslet panic cry harder drive faster ask to go home says need to edit trip no wifi panic ok Hertslet fine panic phone dies panic no one at Hertslet panic trapped don't panic don't cry don't die fail fail fail turn on iPod hobble tob Morrisons pain pain pain wifi
"just wait there I'm coming"
Just wait here don't panic scare strangers just wait here don't cry just wait here
Car approaches man slows to look just wait here three more cars
Layers and layers of ash small things vindictive not of me
(?)

Words
Harder. Hard to explain without.
Shouting shouting fighting fighting
Why?
Don't want responses. Don't want explanation.

This is both.

Waiting. If it kills me, then no more minor stabs send lightening send policemen send Anansi himself
But no more fighting speaking trying explaining

Tired tired tired fuck you