Cobwebs

Clear the cobwebs to keep a record
25 unemployed by Tuesday
Library assistant turned archives assistant turned suicidal cripple

What happened is what people want to know first but to say is one thing but hear is another
Doctor hear hallucinations/broken brain
Spiritualist hear inner child
Partner hears own insecurities
Mother hears devil
I hear noise noise noise
Words hard
Explanation harder

Before
Diagnosed with depression in America 2011 probably
First drug Zoloft
Shit. Literal shit. Body punished with diarrhoea and vomiting for first two weeks
Longer because always forgot to take meds
Withdrawal
Repeat

In London, first mitrazipine then citalopram then escitalopram and venlafaxine
Doctor S.
Go back.
Dr. S at Priory Hosptial
At Priory Hospital on recommendation of insurance company
On insurance at recommendation of HR
HR in charge because off sick work on suicide watch since August or October.
Back again

Dr S. Go for therapy. Leave with prescription 225mg venlafaxine bumped up over five days
Recommendation 75, increase every week.
"Slow down if necessary"
Zombie nods

Weeks later
Dr. S again
Zombie: "side effects too much too fast"
Dr. S: Venlafaxine XL. Less side effects. Probably.

Muscles weaken
Twitch with effort
Sore with overuse
Hyper stretching cross hyper tension
Pain pain pain
Prefer death. Surrounded by expectation.
Follow comfort

Now
Dramatic maybe. Tired definitely.
Universe or schizophrenia or devil or inner child or (?):
Something (?) toying with me
Mocking me
Too tired to fight
If wants me dead, kill me
If wants me play, we both wait

Silence on Saturday
Leave angry
Arrive sad
Leave to escape
Arrive to escape
Nothing happened
Then everything happened

Pile of cigarette ash
All fears and anxieties starting from filter burning to tip
Layers till falls off
1. Sleep alone. D off to some blonde who isn't broken
2. Strangers. Fake smiles. Names to forget
3. No room.
4. Stairs
5. Forgot meds
6. Show deleted
7. Stairs
8. Dropped cactus
9. Ex girlfriend. New girlfriend. Lives in room where used to feel safe. Blonde. Bright. Has a bunny. Cunt.
10. Sex noises
Don't panic. Minor things. No big deal. Safe here.
11. People arrive
12. No room to escape.
13. Sheets, blonde hairs.
14. Mouse.
15. Interact with people. Move rooms
Don't panic. Minor things. No big deal. Safe here.
16. Set up room. Cold. Smell. Blonde hairs.
17. Mouse. Fuck.
18. Escape. Uber. Fuck.
19. Stairs. Fuck.
20. Uber drives by. Hobble to meet. Ache ache ache. Fuck.
Don't panic. Minor things. No big deal. Safe here.
21. Chatty driver. Fuck
22. Turns creepy. Fuck.
Almost back. Almost there. Don't panic. Minor things.
23. Driver pulls over.
Panic
24. Trip cancelled
Panic
25. No wifi
Panic
26. Wifi at pub. White men stare and smoke. Stand close by for signal.
Stop stop stop please stop no more
27. New uber panic driver angry crying in back seat heading wrong way panic heading to Hertslet panic cry harder drive faster ask to go home says need to edit trip no wifi panic ok Hertslet fine panic phone dies panic no one at Hertslet panic trapped don't panic don't cry don't die fail fail fail turn on iPod hobble tob Morrisons pain pain pain wifi
"just wait there I'm coming"
Just wait here don't panic scare strangers just wait here don't cry just wait here
Car approaches man slows to look just wait here three more cars
Layers and layers of ash small things vindictive not of me
(?)

Words
Harder. Hard to explain without.
Shouting shouting fighting fighting
Why?
Don't want responses. Don't want explanation.

This is both.

Waiting. If it kills me, then no more minor stabs send lightening send policemen send Anansi himself
But no more fighting speaking trying explaining

Tired tired tired fuck you

Who Am I? I'm Spiderman.

Name: Day Gordon


Year: Senior


E-Mail: sadegordon@ufl.edu

• Where are you from? Born in London, England. Raised Jamaican. Educated American. 
• Why did you come to the University of Florida? It was cheapest.
• Major? Journalism.
• Why are you taking this course (besides the fact it is required)? That's the only reason. That and I'm a self-proclaimed grammar Nazi. 
• Outside interests, hobbies, avocations, things you love to do? Roller derby. 
• Tell me one interesting thing about you – something that makes you unique. Roller derby. 
• Are you the first person in your family to attend a university? No. 
• On a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being top-notch, how would you rate your knowledge of grammar, punctuation and AP style? It varies. Today, I'm feeling like a four. 
• On the same scale, how would you rate your skills with working with InDesign and PhotoShop and with online media in general? Probably a seven in photoshop and a four with InDesign. Online media is easy. I'll give that a nine. 
• What online skills do you feel you are proficient at? I used to know a bit of HTML, and I can navigate the web simply enough. I know how social networking works, but I wouldn't say I'm proficient at it... mostly by choice.
• Where do you get most of your news? The paper.
• What books are you reading and have read in the last three months? A lot... I read many books at once. Under the Dome by Stephen King, The Little Prince by that French guy, The Book Thief, Don Quixote and a few online manga. I take a while to read books I'm not completely invested in. 
• Career Goals? In an ideal world, I'd be traveling about as an ambassador or as a foreign correspondent in East Asian countries writing about the people rather than the politics. Realistically, I'll probably work for a paper in Japan or something.
• What magazines, newspapers and news Web sites do you read regularly? New York Times... The Onion... The Daily Show? 
• What is your favorite website? I don't have one.
• Do you blog? No. 
• Do you have any media/communication experience? If so, what? Yes. I interned at the Stuart News, Stuart Magazine, the Palm Beach Post and I work for the Gainesville Sun currently. 
• Are you pursuing a media related internship or job at this time? I work at the Gainesville Sun.
• Do you have an updated resume in your files? No.